Here's a story that i have to share with all of you my readers out there. Some times i need to take a break from blogging about entertainment stuff so today i'm going to share with you a real story of my life. This is to all readers out there who is experiencing the same thing as i am.
I come from a moderate family with many aunts, uncles and cousin. Here's something you need to know about my life. I come from a broken family, I live with my grandma, aunt, sister and my mum in one house. I have a cousin who is living with me too but he's going to get married soon later in this year. One thing about me is that i'm a teenager and i need FREEDOM to do a lot of things like going out with my friends, hanging out together, go cycling or shopping but there's one thing that is stopping me from doing all this stuff. It's my grandma. I'm 17 this year but she's treating me like i'm 8 or 9 years old where shopping, hanging out with friends isn't important at all. Teenagers like me needs to have freedom to explore what's out there. What i mean by exploring what's out there is not clubbing, smoking and all that. I know how to take care of myself but i don't know how to explain and make them trust me for who i am.
I never had that moral support from my mum or grandma. Every time i want to show to them who i really am, they will always look down on me. They will point down all my flaws and will keep on telling me that i don't and i can't do what i love. Like for example, i like hanging out with friends but my grandma will always think that i'm lying on what i'm saying and so she'll nag and nag until she gets tired and she won't let me out to wherever i want to go. I feel so suffocated living in this manner. I know she loves me so much because i'm the only grand daughter that she's close with for now. But honestly, this isn't the way. I tried to talk to my mum about this but she's somehow the same like my grandma. They're just too afraid to let me go. They just need to know that i can take care of myself and i'm old enough to know what's right and what's wrong. The other thing is that, i love music so much but so far, i have not seen my mum or grandma or whoever in this house supporting me for who and what i wanna be. Except some of my cousins who keeps on telling me that i should do more covers to show that i can sing and do what i love but living in this family is hard...really hard.
In 10 months time, i'm gonna turn 18. If i were to enter the next institution for me to pursue my studies and this is how they treat me, how can i ever show to others that i can do well too? I know some people out there is looking down on me so much because firstly i still remember how much i get for my PSLE results back then in 2008. Secondly, i did badly for my National Examinations and this leads me to continue my studies in a institution which is well known for "bad students." I just don't like how they always look down on me. Sometimes , infront of my cousins, they'll pin down all the things that i'm worst at but i never ever ever heard them saying about what i'm good at but if it comes to other people, they'll make sure that they must support one hundred percent all the time!
I'm stucked in this life for years. I want to let myself shine for what i'm good at. I'm good at doing music, i love music but who on earth is supporting me? No one. Honestly, i hate the way my grandma always think i'm the bad one and not the rest. My sister is 8 this year, everyone is giving her attention but what about me? I'm not having a lot of attention. I need freedom. Freedom is what i need for now to explore myself more.
If i were given a chance to have that "freedom" i'll make sure that i will show to all this people that i'm not the person that they used to think. But hahaha, no one's gonna believe me right? Even though i am expressing my thoughts here, no one will eventually understands me. Sometimes when i sit down and think, i just feel like killing myself but what for? I still have a lot things to accomplish before i leave this world. Sometimes i wish i wasn't born in this family, sometimes i just wish that i am born with parents who are supportive of what i'm doing. Grandma who isn't a queen control of anything. I wish i had that life but still...i love them for who they are its just that sometimes i need them to understand the inner side of me.
I pray to god every single time to make me feel stronger with what i'm going through in life. With all these people looking down on me, with how i'm being treated like an 8 years old kid. I just wish that one day, i'll get out of this butterfly larva and show that i'm not what you guys think...I'm still waiting for that day to come. I can't wait to prove all these people wrong. Sometimes, i just feel like screaming my lungs out and cry cry cry everything out to make myself feel better but seriously for now i think this is the best way for me to express everything.
I wish i had a million dollars so that i can run away from all this shit and never come back and only come back when i achieved what i love. If only money comes from trees and teenage life is just like fairytales where everthing falls into place and everyone in this world including myself lived happily ever after. I just can't wait for the day to come...
Thanks for reading this emotional post and i'm pretty sure some of you out there in other parts of the world is experiencing what i'm experiencing right now. Thanks for being my faithful readers. I wish i can meet all of you out there and thank you for all that you've done by reading my blog.
Any questions, please go to ask.fm/errahathirah and ask me on whatever you want! I'll be honored to answer them (: Love all of you!
